afterglow: a twilight re-telling
by starsfalloversideways
Summary: After a near-death-experience, Bella moves from Phoenix to Forks, ready to start over. She hopes to disappear into the crowd, but the alarmingly handsome Edward can't seem to leave her alone. While Bella tries to isolate herself, she can't seem to stay away from the mysterious Edward. And trouble can't seem to stay away from either of them. TW for mental illness and suicide.
1. Before

The first time it happened, I thought it was a day dream. I was still in the hospital, but I was gradually becoming more lucid. I had just woken up, and the nurse was adjusting my IV. She was pretty, a woman in her twenty-somethings with golden brown skin and tightly curled hair. She put one of her hands on my arm as she adjusted my IV, and as soon as our skin touched an image came into my mind. The nurse was in a hospital room just like mine. An old man was lying in the bed, hooked up to blinking machines. A huge family was around him, and many of their faces were streaked with tears. He was sleeping, and his breaths were labored as if every intake of air was a challenge. As his family watched, his breathing slowed, and eventually became even fainter. A woman with bright green eyes who looked to be about the same age as the old man fiercely grasped his hands. His breath became shallower and shallower, until it faded completely. I blinked, and just like that I was back in the present, the nurse's eyes, the same bright green as the old woman, looking right as me, asking if I was feeling alright.

I was freaked out, of course. But I wrote it off as the result of my morbid thoughts and the heavy drugs the hospital was pumping through me. And then it happened again when the doctor popped in to check on my progress, and lifted up my arm to check on my wound. And again, with the next nurse who changed my bandages. It wasn't the same image every time. The doctor's touch also sent me into a hospital room, but this time it wasn't an old man dying. A woman, who looked to be about sixty lay unconscious on a hospital bed. She is sleeping, but not at ease. Her body is taught, and her face is slightly scrunched up. It was clear she was in a lot of pain. My doctor, a man that couldn't be over thirty five, was next to the bed. A man who looked like his father was standing next to him, staring at the woman on the bed. My doctor asks, "Are you sure?" and after a while the father nods. Time passes, and a person comes in to turn the machines off. Slowly, the woman's body relaxes, until she is not in pain any longer. The third dream was brief. I saw too officers walking up to a front door. It was late, maybe two or three in the morning. My nurse gets up when they ring the doorbell, hair messy from sleep. Her husband answers the door, and when one of the officers speaks, his face crumples like a paper bag, while she remains composed, at least in appearance. I can feel the depth of her pain, though.

The dreams or visions or whatever seemed strange, but I didn't think too seriously about them. They sucked, yes, but I had been fading in and out of dreams for a while. I was able to rationalize it to myself until a few hours later, when my mom was finally able to visit me. She rushed into the room, relief clear on her face when she noticed I was awake. She rushed over to my bed, throwing her arms around me in a tight hug. She was wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt, and her arm touched mine. As soon as our skin made contact, the world went black for a second. Then I saw her on the phone. She looks just a bit older than she does now and her body is tense with anxiety. I don't recognize the kitchen she's in. It's my dad's voice on the other end, quiet and hoarse from tears. "It's...it's Bella. There was an accident, and um," his voice breaks at this point, and he's openly sobbing. "She died. She's gone."

My mother doesn't hang up the phone, but she slowly sinks to the floor, her breaths becoming shakier. As she sits on the cool linoleum tiles, tears begin to escape her eyes. She's never felt like this before. It's as if the world has sunken in on itself and began to collapse. Charlie is still on the phone. My mother is able to speak after a while, and that's when she asks, "What happened to her?". And then I was back in the present, looking my mother holding me. Over the next few days, the revolving hospital staff all gave me similar visions. I saw them in the worst pain imaginable, person after person. After I was discharged from the hospital, I vowed to make sure that no one would ever touch me again.


	2. Chapter 1

"Honey, are you sure?" My mother asked me, as we stood in front of the security line at the airport. "You know you don't have to do this." She sounded sincere enough, but I knew she was hoping I wouldn't take the out she was offering me. Rene loved me, I knew, but the shit I was putting her through would have been too much for even the most devoted mother.

"I think a change will be good." That wasn't a lie. I needed to get the fuck out of Phoenix.

"I know your father will be glad to see you."

"Yeah." I didn't want to say goodbye to my mom, I really didn't. But none of that emotion was coming through. I felt like I was trapped behind a wall, one that was preventing me from feeling anything too deeply, protecting me from feeling the weight of what leaving Phoenix meant.

"Call me if you need anything. I love you sweetie."

"You too."

My mother looked at me reassuringly, "I think you'll have a great time in Forks." We shared a careful hug, and then she walked away. She left me. My mother left me, her only daughter, at the airport. She was letting me move to Washington. The sting of abandonment came on quickly, even though I had no right to feel it. It was afterall, my choice to move in with my father. And besides that, my relationship with my mother hadn't been great recently. We had been so close, more best friends than mother and daughter only a few months ago. Mark that down as another thing that I destroyed.

While I had to stifle my tears through the security line, the rest of my journey went on without issue. The three hour flight went by quickly, and all too soon I was in Seattle.

My dad was standing outside the security gates. He looked just the same as when I had last seen him over the summer, except he might have had a little more gray in his hair. His cheeks were flushed from the cold and he was smiling. I searched for the pity in his eyes- or worse, fear. That was the way my mom looked at me now. But if Charlie was feeling any of that, he didn't show it.

"Welcome home, Bella." He stepped forward and we had a very awkward and thankfully very brief hug. I made sure that my sweater was pulled down to my wrists, not wanting to take any chances.

"Thanks dad." We didn't usually do the small talk thing , but as we walked to the parking he asked me about the flight, how my mom was doing, and where I was thinking of applying to school next year. My answers were: long, great and I'm not sure yet. I could tell he was avoiding the big question. _"Why?"_ There were other questions too, I'm sure.

" _Are you still crazy?"_

" _Will I come home to find you bleeding in the bathtub, just like your mom did?"_

I know he came to see me in the hospital. I vaguely remember his chocolate brown eyes ringed red. That was when I was too drugged up to do much of anything. My mom told me later that he stayed with me for three days before being called back to Forks for work.

We didn't really talk on the hour long ride to his house. I'm not much of a talker, and I must have inherited that from Charlie. I looked out the window into the lush green forest as we sped through the single lane roads on the way to his small hometown: Forks, Washington. It was the rainiest place in the continental US. I thought it would be the perfect place for me to sulk for a year and half, before college. But it wasn't as dreary as I was expecting. Everything looked so alive, even in January. I might be able to live with this. Even the rain wasn't so bad, really, except for what it was sure to do to my hair. That was another gift from Charlie- loose curls that never seemed to behave. I could tame it somewhat in the dry heat of Phoenix, but considering the humidity, I saw a lot of messy buns in my future.

As we turned onto Charlie's street he turned to me,"I got you a little homecoming present."

That was unexpected. As he pulled up to the house I saw my gift. An old Chevy truck at least thirty years older than I was. My face must have betrayed my shock, because Charlie started talking rapidfire, "It used to be Billy Black's- he's in a wheelchair now so he can't drive it, but it runs great. Really! Jacob- remember him? That's Billy's boy. He rebuilt the engine so you won't have any issues with that." I got out of the cruiser- Charlie is Chief Swan to the people of Forks, and examined my gift. To my surprise, I was kind of into it. It looked clunky but it had a little retro charm.

"Listen, I know it's not a fancy, but you will need to get to school and back, and I-" I cut him off.

"I love it Dad."

He looked a little surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah. Thank you."

He seemed pleased with himself as he carried my suitcases up the stairs for me. I saw that my room was the same as I had left it, two summers ago. The only recent additions were a brand new comforter and a coordinating lamp, and a bookshelf in the corner.

Charlie gestured to the bed, "I hope you like it. I had the lady at the store pick it out." He was looking a little embarrassed.

"It's great Dad. Thank you." _For everything_ , I added in my head.

"No problem. I'll let you get sorted out in here." With that he walked downstairs and flipped on the TV. That was good with me. I was exhausted. Traveling had worn out my body, and the reality of what I had decided to do was sinking in. I had moved to a new state in the middle of my junior year of high school. I was going to school tomorrow in a town where I knew exactly one person, and that was my father. And those were only my most basic concerns. How could I make as small of an impact as possible in my time here? Since I had seen the vision in the hospital of my untimely demise, I knew I didn't have too much time left. I could be dead anytime in the nearish future. It could happen tomorrow, and best case scenario I had three or four years left in me. My mom didn't look much older in the vision I had seen, so I knew making it to twenty-five probably wasn't in my future. That was one of my major motivations for moving to Forks. If I stepped out of my mom's life now, my death wouldn't hit her as hard. I thought of this as a kind of trial run- my mom can get used to life without me. I still planned on keeping up with her, and maybe even visiting, but I figured the more distance the better. Any friends I had would forget about me, and I would do my best to avoid making anything other than acquaintances here in Forks. Charlie was the real issue. I didn't want to hurt him, but I knew he wanted to spend time with me and soon he wouldn't be able to. And I think he's a little stronger than my mother, as far as I'm concerned. I don't think he'll take my death lightly, but I don't see it destroying him the same way it might destroy my mom.

That was the attitude I would be entering Forks High with- make as little of an impact as possible. I still wanted to get good grades, if only to make my parents proud, and in the off chance I were to survive long enough to get into a nice college (with a nice scholarship). But anything else was out of the question. Friends were a luxury I could not afford, and boys were out of the question as well. I wanted to inflict as little pain as possible when I die, but I also don't want to hurt myself, and that was sure to happen if I got close to anyone. A friend touching my hand at the lunch table could give me a vision of death and destruction in the middle of the cafeteria. Someone trying to kiss me would be worse. If I saw someone else's death when they touched me, it would take a toll. But what if I saw my own death, from another set of eyes? I don't know what my vision shows me, whether it's the next death in someone's life, or maybe the one that impacts them the most. Either way, it was something I didn't care to see. I couldn't be around people after I saw them in my visions. It took everything in me to keep from comforting them, but how could I say "I'm sorry, your grandmother is going to pass away in the next few years", or "The husband that you haven't met yet is going to get cancer when you're both in your thirties". I thought it was best that my interference stay minimal.

I didn't bother unpacking my clothes or books that night. I searched through my suitcase until I found my toiletries bag, and I took out everything I would need in the morning. My hair brush and dry shampoo, mascara, and my various bottles of medication. The day had been too long for me already, so I decided to give in and go to bed, even though it was only eight-thirty. I dry swallowed the pills I needed to sleep, and burrowed into the covers. I was out cold by the time Charlie came to check on me.

 _I was in the woods outside Charlie's house. It was dark outside, and only a sliver of moon was visible in the sky. I didn't know why I was here, but I needed to be. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breathe, revelling in the feeling that everything was okay._

 _Suddenly, a twig snapped behind me and I saw those eyes, glowing red and then-_

I woke up in a cold sweat. Same fucking dream every night. Sometimes the setting would change, but the eyes never did. I was just grateful I didn't scream myself awake anymore.

A quick look at the clock informed me that it was 4:45AM. Too early to get ready for my first day, but I knew there was no way I could fall asleep again.

I got up and rifled through my suitcase until I found my towel, grabbed my shower bag and made my way to the bathroom. I spent a long time under the too-hot water of the shower, trying to wash away the remains of my dream.

When I got back to my room I surveyed my appearance in the long mirror attached to my closet door. My long brown hair hung down in its natural waves around my face. I looked so washed out, no color at all, plus all the weight I lost in the hospital made my cheeks look hollow. I popped on some mascara, eyeliner and some tinted chapstick just so I didn't look like a total zombie. I used to be a makeup junkie, but I just didn't have the energy anymore. I pulled on a pair of worn jeans and the least wrinkled flannel from my suitcase, and layered on a couple of bracelets, just to make sure I didn't have any exposed skin on my arms. And with that, I was ready for my first day at Forks High. And with only an hour and a half to spare! I scrolled through my phone for a while, until it hit 8AM.

I made my way downstairs, and Charlie was already up, eating breakfast. He looked up at me and asked, "Aren't teenagers supposed to sleep in?"

"Not this one," I said with a smile. He was trying, and I appreciated it.

We made small talk as I tried to choke down some cereal and then switched to watching the local news. I closed my eyes for a moment, listening to the weatherman drone about the chance of rain today. He must get sick of predicting rain.

Charlie told me it was probably a good idea to leave early this morning, just to make sure that any paperwork I might have to deal with doesn't make me late for class. I grabbed my backpack, and he gave me directions to school, promising that it was a straight shot from the highway. I grabbed my bag and was halfway out the door before I heard him say, "Good luck Bells."

"Thanks Dad!" I called back. I was certainly going to need it.

My truck started just fine, suprising me a little. It ran great too, even if it was noisier than I would've liked. The radio worked, and I adjusted the knob, trying to find something to listen to while I drove. I flipped through the stations, from generic pop to gospel until I found an alternative station that sounded okay.

The high school was easy enough to find, straight off the highway like Charlie had said. It was strange though. Instead of the multi-level, gray building with chain link fences and a metal detector that had been my school in Phoenix, this was almost homey. It was laid out in a series of small brick buildings with little breezeways stretching out between them.

I drove around until I found the building labelled office and parked in what I could only assume was the student lot. I grabbed my backpack and made my way inside, ready to face my new school.

The office was strange, just like the outside of the school. It was decorated the inside of a grandmother's home, complete with pillows that had inspirational sayings embroidered on them and a handknit afghan on the little couch by the door. The woman at the desk had a shock of orange hair that was piled in a bun at the top of her head, and she was intensely fixated on a crossword. I imagined that her living room looked a lot like the office. As the door closed behind me, she glanced up through reading glasses.

"How can I help you, dear?"

"I'm Bella Swan, and I'm-"

She cut me off excitedly, "Oh, Isabella! Everyone's been expecting you. You know your father has been so happy these past few weeks, talking all about you," Oh God. I wondered how many people had heard the news of the new girl. I could only hope embarrassing school pictures hadn't been involved. So much for laying low.

"Here's a map of campus," she said, showing me the paths she had highlighted to help me find my classes. This seemed a lot more personal than my old school, were this process probably would have been entirely digital.

"Thank you," I said with a smile.

"My pleasure sweetheart. And here's your schedule. Just have your teachers sign this sheet right here," She indicated to one of many pieces of paper in the folder she was holding, "And just bring it back here at the end of the day, alright?" She passed the folder over to me.

"Yes m'am." She smiled at me, waving as I left.

One of the first things I learned about Forks High was that it was tiny. I liked the anonymity of the school I attended last semester, in the city. It didn't matter that I was an anxious mess most of the time. The size meant no one noticed when I stopped showing up to school. Everyone blended in with the crowd, and that was how I liked it. But that was certainly not going to be the cast today. I was expecting a bit of a spectacle. Forks High School had a total of 357 students, and didn't often see newcomers. I couldn't blend into the crowd on my first day here, no matter how badly I wanted to. Hopefully anonymity would come with time. I was hoping I could prove myself so boring that I wasn't an object of attention or gossip. In my best case scenario, I would make a few acquaintances to study with. Maybe we would even follow each other on twitter. But nothing deeper than that.

My first class was Junior English with Mr. Masen. I stuck to my map and found my way there with time to spare before the first bell rung. The teacher was friendly, just like the secretary, giving me the reading list and a syllabus with a warm welcome. I was disappointed that Forks didn't have AP classes, but the reading list looked okay. _The Great Gatsby_ , _Their Eyes Were Watching God_ , and a few other classics. My favorite on the list was _Catcher in the Rye_. I wasn't a big fan of Holden (rich white boys always find something to complain about) but I was infatuated with Salinger's writing style. _Franny and Zooey_ was easily in my top ten books list. I had already covered the material they were discussing today in AP English last year, so I zoned out, grateful for the calm period.

After the bell rang a guy with longish black hair and almond shaped eyes came up to me.

"You must be Isabella." Wow, news does travel fast here.

"Just Bella is fine," I corrected. Shit, was that rude? I didn't want to be an ass on my first day. Thankfully, the boy took it in stride. "Oh, okay got it. Bella."

"I'm Eric by the way," He said, holding out a hand. Did people actually shake hands here? I picked up my books instead, hoping he wouldn't take offense.

"How you liking the rain?" Eric asked, as we left the English room. It was lightly drizzling outside, the cold grey morning lit up only by the slightest trace of sunlight.

"Getting used to it. I'm from the desert, after all."

"It'll only get worse." He said, surveying the sky.

"Don't remind me." I said, adding a groan for effect.

He smiled at me, "Where are you headed?"

I consulted my schedule. "Government with Miller."

"Me too!" He said, excitedly. "I'll walk you."

He was pretty chatty, talking to me through the walk and only stopping when I had to find an empty seat. I was grateful he was so nice, but I had to admit I was a little glad to be sitting on the other side of the room.

My next two classes passed quickly. The girl I was sitting next to in Trig had introduced herself to me, and after class asked me if I wanted to eat lunch with her and her friends. I gratefully accepted, not wanting to sit alone on my first day. I didn't want to be antisocial, just minimally social.

Her name was Jessica. She pulled on a pink raincoat and forced the hood over her unruly curls before we stepped outside. As we walked to the cafeteria I learned that she was on the student council and they were having a financial crisis over the upcoming school dance.

"I mean, what are we supposed to do with $200? Buy two balloons and some soda?"

I said something sympathetic and she kept on, "I mean, really. But I have to think of something. This has to be phenomenal or I'll never get elected class president next year." By then we had arrived at the cafeteria, and Jessica got me up to speed on the drama in the student council (apparently the treasurer was hooking up with the president and the budget was a wreck).

She brought me over to a table with a few people I recognized. Eric, from first period. A girl whose name I think was Angela who was in my second period and a few other semi-familiar faces. They all greeted me before starting into a heated debate about whether or not the math teacher was pregnant "But she drinks decaf now!" Jess practically yelled, and I happily blended into the background for a while.

"So, Bella, where are you from?" A blonde boy who had introduced himself as Mike asked me. They had reached a conclusion about the math teacher, I guess.

"Phoenix," I said, quickly adding, "In Arizona."

"But you're so-"

"Tan?" I suggested with a smile. My mother's favorite joke was that I was half-albino.

Just then the cafeteria doors burst open and a group of people walked in who looked more like they belonged on the set of some CW drama than this tiny high school. The first two walked side by side, a tall blonde who could have put most women in Hollywood to shame and a dark-haired man who was built like a linebacker. Next came a petite brunette with a blonde man, and they were holding hands. Behind them walked another man. He was tall and well-built, but he wasn't bulky. His coppery hair was mussed by the rain, but it did nothing to deter from his beauty. Every last one of them was drop dead gorgeous, the two girls and three boys.

"Who are they?" I couldn't help but ask.

 _-e-_

 _Today, the school was abuzz with gossip. A new girl had arrived, the police chief's daughter, no less, and everyone had taken notice. She was featured in just about every mind I encountered, and emotions were mixed. Most of the people she had come into contact with had thought she was nice. A few people seemed to think she was more than nice, as demonstrated by some rather unappealing sexual fantasies flashing through Mike Newton's head. Poor girl._

 _She seemed nervous, in the interactions I had seen played out in other people's eyes. I wasn't watching for her in true curiosity. It was just my job, as the only mind-reader in my family to scout out new people, to find danger before it found us. Not that this little girl seemed like she would pose a threat to anyone. But I continued watching, figuring I ought to finish out the day to make sure. And then I saw her in the cafeteria, through my own eyes and not other people's heads. Words like "pretty" and "hot" had been floating around but they weren't enough. Human eyes might not be able to discern the extent of her perfection, but I certainly could. Her dark brown hair fell in waves mid-way down her back, and contrasted with her fair skin, almost pale enough to belong to one of my kind. She had a delicate silver hoop through her left nostril and a deep green flannel on, unbuttoned just far enough. Her eyes were large and ringed with kohl. They were the same dark blue-grey as a storming sea. Goddamn, I gotta stop reading 19th century poetry before school. I tried to tune back into my brother Emmett's story, but it was a lost cause. I could only keep looking at her, anxious to memorize her face. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen- vampires included. But it wasn't a simple appreciation of beauty brewing in me, the kind of feeling I would get at an art museum. I suddenly realised that I wanted her. Wanted her like I hadn't wanted anyone in almost a hundred years. Who was this girl? I kept watching._

 _She seemed to be getting along with everyone at her table- their thoughts were all centered on her. Well, centered on the new girl anyway. I didn't think they had a very good idea of who she was, but then, neither did I. I reached out with my gift, hoping to settle this little crush I was developing by listening to her thoughts, but I didn't hear her mind. I figured it was just quieter than others- that happened time to time. Mental voices were just like people- extroverts practically screamed their thoughts at me, while quiet people were more like a whisper that had to be closely listened to. I looked at her, trying to focus in on her voice._

 _But it wasn't there. I listened to the people around her- Jessica, Eric and even shy Angela's thoughts were open to me. But not hers._

 _I focused harder, almost glaring at the girl. Nothing happened._

 _I was only broken out of my haze when I heard the familiar voice of Jessica Stanley, resident yearbook president and notorious school gossip, "Edward Cullen is staring at you!"_

 _The girl looked away, a pink tinge rising to her cheeks. Jessica leaned in and continued to gush about my family- the official story, anyway. Since I couldn't hear her thoughts, I listened to the conversation, hoping to stumble across some clue as to why her mind was closed to me._

 _Jessica had already through the normal bullshit- Carlisle had adopted Alice, Emmett and I after our parent's passing (which wasn't necessarily untrue) and together he and Esme had taken in Rose and Jasper from an unsavory home life, which again, wasn't necessarily untrue. Still, who believed that a young couple- my parents were both in their early twenties when they were turned, could adopt five, almost-grown children? Our kind's natural persuasiveness came in handy sometimes._

 _The bell rang, startling me. I hadn't been startled for a long time._

 _I threw my untouched lunch away and walked out the side door to biology. My sister Alice followed me, and I realized I hadn't been paying attention to her- or any of my four siblings for that matter, at lunch. Alice was smiling like she had fishhooks on either side of her mouth._

" _What?" I tried to reach into her mind, but she was furiously reciting an Emily Dickinson poem in a successful attempt to keep me from seeing her thoughts._

" _Alice, what is it? What did you see?"_

" _You'll find out soon enough." And with that, she scattered off in the direction of her next class. Sometimes I hated having a psychic in the family._

 _I took a seat in my usual spot, by the window. The view of the forest came in useful when Mr. Banner lectured on something I had learned twenty-times over. I had been to medical school, and I spent my days being lectured about how the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell and learning how to do punnett squares._

 _The rest of the class was filing in now. She walked in just as the bell rang. I still couldn't hear her. As she made her way across the classroom to the teacher's desk, she walked in front of the fan buzzing in the corner. Her hair was blown forward, and as she cleared it, I saw her up close for the first time. My world went red. I couldn't think, couldn't breathe. The focus of my whole existence was this girl. It was as if everything in the world had snapped into place and she was the center of it._

 _A minute or so passed and my head wouldn't clear. She walked in my direction to the only open seat in the classroom- right next to me._

 _I was staring. Fuck, what was this?_

 _She was looking mildly concerned, but I just couldn't look away._

" _Hey."_

 _I was at a loss for words. Here I was, looking at my reason for existence. My almost a century spent on this planet had been nothing but waiting for this moment._

" _I'm Bella Swan," she continued._

" _I know." She looked somewhat taken aback. Fuck, Cullen, get a hold of yourself._

" _I mean, I've heard people saying- new student… you know?" Was I speaking English at this point? "Edward!"_

" _Sorry?"_

" _My name. It's Edward."_

" _I know," She threw a coy smile my way and I thought I might die right there. This was it. I had finally met my mate._


	3. Chapter 2

_I was greeted with a wolf whistle as soon as I reached my car. Great. I shot a glare at Alice, knowing she must have seen this coming. And then told all of my other siblings. But I couldn't be annoyed for long. Not when the happiest moment of my existence so far had occurred forty-five minutes ago. But what did this mean for me, for her? Isabella. Even her name was beautiful. God, I loved her already._

 _Emmett snapped me out of my internal monologue, "Hey little brother, we heard the good news! Finally found someone who gets your engine revving."_

" _Emmett, please". It was true, but still. Did he have to be so crude?_

" _I'm just saying, Eddy. It's about time. We were starting to think-"_

 _It was Rose who cut him off this time, with a glare._

 _I threw the keys to my brother, "Jasper, take the Volvo. I'm going to walk home." I needed time to think._

" _No need to get your panties in a bunch."_

" _I just want to be alone for a bit, Em."_

 _And, to tell the truth, I doubted that I could stand to be in a car with all of them, surrounded by their thoughts about this new development before I had time to sort it out myself. I waved goodbye, and walked toward the treeline at a quick, but human speed. As soon as I was sure no one could see, I took off running._

 _Sometimes this was the only way to clear my head. I ran miles and miles, until I got to a clearing I frequented. It was a beautiful meadow, sitting close to a stream. Of course, it was totally frosted over, but during the spring and summer it was breathtaking, filled with wildflowers in every color. Would she like it here? Would she trust me enough to come?_

 _When vampires mated, it was always two ways. The pair loved each other from the first moment they met, but did it work that way with humans? She seemed to be flirting with me in biology, but what if I misread it? What if Isabella didn't love me? Or even like me? Would her feelings grow overtime, and what would I do if they didn't?_

 _I had to admit that I didn't know much about her. She was thoughtful, quiet. She was from Phoenix, Arizona. And of course she was beautiful. This love I felt towards her wouldn't be recognized by humans. It was deep, and primal. Unconditional. And while it did make me feel things I hadn't felt in my whole existence, it wasn't sexual. Mostly._

 _I couldn't wait to get to know her. I wanted to know her favorite color, her favorite band. What book touched her most and her guilty pleasure TV shows. I wanted to know what made her happy and give it to her, and what made her sad and take it away. I wanted to do everything I could to ensure her life was filled with happiness. Nothing could keep me from doing that, at least. If she could somehow love me as I loved her, I would be the happiest man alive. But if I could just be in her presence, make her life better- that would be enough for me. Even if she never felt the same way, I could still make her happy._

 _Having a better grasp on my thoughts now, I decided to head home._

 _When I arrived Esme was in the living room, smiling warmly._

 _How could she know? Oh right, psychic little sister. "Alice."_

" _Honey, she's just excited for you. We all are."_

 _I loved seeing my mother happy, but I had some questions that were pressing too heavily on my mind for me to stay and chat for much longer, "Is Carlisle home?" If anyone could answer my questions, it would be him. He was centuries old and had lived with the Volturi- vampire royalty- for a few decades. He was the most knowledgeable vampire in North America._

 _She smiled at me again, "He's in his office."_

" _Thanks, Mom."_

 _As I walked up the stairs she called. "I better get to meet this young lady soon!" If I was physically capable of blushing I would have been bright red._

 _Carlisle's office door was cracked open._

" _Come in, Edward."_

 _I cut right to it, not able to wait. "I'm sure you've heard what happened today."_

 _He nodded, sympathetically. Keeping secrets was hard in a house where everyone had super-hearing, not to mention my telepathy or Alice's visions._

" _Why don't you sit down, son?" he asked._

 _I did as he said. "Do you know if- has this ever happened to anyone else? With a human I mean?"_

" _I've never heard of a case quite like yours- but when I saw Esme, and when Rosalie saved Emmett, they were bonded, even before Esme and Emmett were changed."_

 _I hadn't thought of that. "Is that different, though? Since they were on the verge of dying?"_

" _I'm not sure. Her being alive and well does complicate the situation," it was rare to hear sarcasm from Carlisle._

" _Do you think," I asked, "Do humans feel the mating connection?"_

" _That might be a question for Emmett- Esme was unconscious by the time I got to her." He continued, "I would imagine they did though, even if it may not be as strong as what we feel."_

" _I worry about that- about her feeling the same. But I'm also concerned- I've never spent too much time around humans, certainly not alone. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt her." Carlisle was not a stranger to my anxieties, so I decided to tell him everything._

" _Edward, you've been to medical school. If you can handle stitching up wounds, you should be able to spend time with the girl. I have confidence in you, son."_

 _I struggled with my last question, my Victorian sensibilities fighting with my all too human instincts. "And for future reference- very far into the future- do you think it would be possible to be… intimate with a human?"_

 _He was amused by my embarrassment. "Very much so. Your cousins in Denali have been doing that without harming their partners for years. You would just need to master your self control. One second of distraction could be disastrous."_

 _That caused me immense relief. I wanted Isabella, all of her. I would just have to make sure my self control was flawless. I was thinking too far into the future. She didn't even know what I was, and even though I could tell that she was physically attracted to me, I couldn't assume that that would lead to intimacy, especially considering that I am one of the undead._

" _If you want my honest opinion son, I think you're the best vampire this could have happened to. Your discipline is incredible, and I know you'll let your morals guide you," he paused, "I don't believe that you would put this girl's life in danger."_

" _Thank you, Carlisle."_

" _You're welcome. We're all very happy for you, you know."_

 _I thanked him again, and walked out of the office._

 _I left Carlisle feeling comforted. While I didn't feel totally at ease with the situation, at least I knew I wasn't going to put Isabella into immediate danger, just by spending time with her. I searched for an album to listen to, something to keep me calm. Music had always been my go-to distraction. It was one of the only ways I could chase away other's thoughts, all of the words swimming in my head. After careful consideration, I settled on Tallahassee, an older album from The Mountain Goats. Somewhere between the opening track and Game Shows Touch Our Lives, a gentle knock sounded outside my door- Alice._

 _She poked her head through the door. "I need to talk to you about something."_

" _What is it Alice?" She sat down on my couch, making herself comfortable._

" _So you've found your mate, right? It's all love at first sight and everything,"_

" _Right. It's a little ridiculous- I didn't know her name yesterday, and now I would give my life for her without thinking."_

 _She smiled, "That's exactly how it was with Jasper." She stopped, taking an unnecessary breath,"But humans aren't like that. Even the ones that believe in fairy tale romances aren't usually actually in love at first sight. If you come on too strong, you'll totally freak her out."_

 _I nodded, knowing that she was right. I would never want to make her uncomfortable, and I was afraid that finding my mate after decades of quiet loneliness would inspire some grand romantic gestures on my part._

" _So you need to keep it chill. Talk to her in class, become her friend first. And if that happens to lead to something, it does."_

" _I'll try." This would be hard. I couldn't deny the way I felt about her, but Alice was right._

" _Just remember that she's a human, Edward? Not only that, but a young one."_

 _I appreciated the advice. Truly, I hadn't considered that I needed to ease into the relationship, if there was even going to be one. I was ready to propose to Isabella tomorrow._

" _Thank you." My sister was intolerable sometimes, but she had my best interests at heart._

" _What was that?" She asked, feigning confusion._

" _Alice, you have perfect hearing."_

 _She laughed and turned down the hall towards the stairs._

I pulled into the school parking lot, wondering if my second day at Forks High would be as confusing as my first. I spent hours last night thinking about the strange boy in my biology class. Edward Cullen- the boy who according to Jess had never so much as looked at a girl in Forks had seemed almost flustered when he was talking to me. He literally looks like a movie star, but talked to me like I was the one out of his league. This town was fucking weird.

I sat through my first few classes, barely paying attention. I sought out Jess when our class let out for lunch- I thought if anyone could explain Edward's strange behavior it might be her.

We chatted about class as we wove through the lunch line. I picked up an apple, feeling too anxious to eat anything else. I wanted to bring him up, but I didn't know how.

Luckily, I didn't have to. A few minutes into lunch Angela whispered, "Uh, Bella? He's looking at you again."

Jess jumped right in, "What is going on? He's never shown an interest at anyone else at this school. We all figured he was gay."

"I actually talked to him yesterday," I admitted, blushing again.

"No!" Jess looked like I had told her that I had a third arm.

By this point, we had captured the attention of the whole table. Apparently, I wasn't the only one with a slight Cullen obsession.

"Yeah, turns out we're in the same bio class."

Jess and Angela were transfixed. I continued, "And, he was the only person there without a lab partner, so…"

Jess's eyes widened, "Shut up!"

"So, I introduced myself, right? I mean we're going to be lab partners for the rest of the year.

"Lucky." This time it was Angela who chimed in. Did everyone have a crush on Edward? Not that I could blame them.

"That's what I thought. But it was strange."

"What happened?"

"He was all flustered when he talked to me, stumbling over words, stuff like that. It was as if _I_ was the ridiculously good looking one." I tried to convey my total confusion, because I honestly had no idea what was happening.

"That's seriously weird, coming from Cullen." Jess confirmed my theory- this was an uncommon occurrence for the supernaturally beautiful boy. So much for finding some clarity.

"Am I reading too far into it? Do you guys think I'm crazy?" I didn't want to come across as conceited- and to be fair, I had hallucinated before. Nothing this vivid though.

"Maybe, but dude, if you hook up with him before spring break I'll literally throw you a party."

"Jess!" Angela was appalled.

"Sorry, mom." She replied in a teasing tone, before turning to me, "Angela's a preacher's daughter, you know? So I'm the only one who wants to hear all the steamy details."

"Oh my god, Jess stop," Angela looked as mortified as I felt.

"Seriously, Jess. I've spoken two sentences to the guy."

"Why am I friends with so many prudes?"Jess said, rolling her eyes.

"Hey, I promise if by some weird miracle I end up in bed with him, I'll text you right after we're done." This seemed to pacify her.

Angela still seemed uncomfortable, so I started asking her about what their was to do in Forks, and soon the whole table was animatedly telling me which places to avoid- apparently the local movie theatre charged exorbitant prices, and it was better just to drove up to Port Angeles- and where they liked to hang out. I just _had_ to go to somewhere called La Push beach with everyone in the next couple weeks, when the weather let up, according to Mike Newton.

When the bell rang, I was equal parts excited and apprehensive to see Edward again? What if I had made the whole thing up in my head?

He was already in his seat when I walked in. As soon as I sat down and pulled out my notebook his attention was on me. He looked straight into my eyes, and I got lost.

His eyes- if the rest of him was perfection, they were heavenly. I was lost in them. A beautiful amber color, they were looking expectantly at me. Oh, shit he asked me a question- I was the frazzled one now.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I know my behavior might have come off as a little strange."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I'm used to strange." Fuck, now I was insulting him, "Not that you are! Strange I mean." Smooth, Swan.

"Thank you," He said, holding back a small smile.

After I had managed to make a total fool of myself, Mr. Banner announced that we would be doing group work today. A worksheet about simple genetics. The papers were gradually passed to where Edward and I were sitting. It was multiple choice. No way would this take forty-five minutes to complete.

It looked like Edward was thinking the same thing, but he didn't say anything, so I started.

"Number one is B, two is C, next one's B again-"

"You're a quick thinker,"

"Yeah, I took AP Bio last semester, I just missed the last few weeks, so here I am."

"What happened?" He sounded genuinely concerned, and that scared me a little.

Shit, why did I bring that up? "Um, just personal stuff." Had I actually almost told this beautiful stranger that I tried to kill myself a few months ago? That was information I wanted to stay in Phoenix, permanently.

He seemed unfazed though, scanning through the rest of the sheet and checking the answers he thought were right.

"Do you mind if I…" I didn't want him to think I didn't trust his answers, but I also wanted to maintain my 4.0.

He smiled though, somehow infinitely patient with me, "Be my guest,"

After a quick scan, I realised I had nothing to worry about. Every answer was correct.

A glance around the room told me that we were the only two finished. Mr. Banner was reading a newspaper, and looking like he had a serious hangover.

I tried to steal another look at Edward, before realizing he was already looking at me.

"So, what brings you to Forks?"

Great. The one question I dreaded most. "Um, just needed a change of scenery, you know. And I don't spend enough time with Charlie- my dad, I mean." I was such a shitty liar.

I searched his face, intending to see if he caught my lie, but I just ended up getting distracted. It really wasn't fair for him to be so ridiculously good-looking.

"Do you miss Phoenix?"

"Just the sunshine. I'm feeling seriously vitamin-D deprived."

That seemed to amuse him for some reason, but something caught my attention, "How did you know I was from Phoenix?"

"I hate to tell you this, but you were the main topic of school gossip, even before you got here."

"Oh god." Attention was the last thing I wanted. My plan was to move to Forks, be invisible for a year and a half, and then go to college somewhere far away.

"And it's only gotten worse- Forks hasn't seen a new student since my family and I moved her two years ago, and when you showed up, looking like you do…"

"What does that mean?" I asked, somewhat offended. What was wrong with the way I looked?

"I just meant, you know, that you would have been a hot topic if you were average-looking, but you being gorgeous just made it worse."

"Shut up." Okay, we were back to the flirting thing.

"No, I'm serious- especially compared to that middle school picture Charlie showed everyone."

"Oh my god." I think I had managed turned the color of a stop sign.

"Braces weren't a great look for you," he teased.

"I'm literally going to kill him."

"He was excited that you were coming."

"Edward, do you have plans after school?"

He looked surprised, "No, why?"

"I might need help burning every picture of myself in that house from the ages of eleven to thirteen."

"It wasn't that bad". He tried to sound reassuring, but I could tell he was seconds away from laughing.

"Was it the one where I look sort of cross-eyed?"

"If I say yes will you get angry?", he said with a smile.

"Edward, I'm being totally honest with you when I say that that is the most flattering picture of me from those years."

"Well, if you don't mind me saying, puberty certainly worked in your favor." Okay he was definitely flirting with me. What should I do? I had limited experience with boys, and even less with dating one. How was I supposed to make a boy not like me?

"So what about you, Mr. Cullen? Any embarrassing childhood photos?" I asked.

"No," he answered almost too quickly. I forgot he was adopted. I knew what it was like to have unpleasant memories brought up, and I hated to do that to someone else. I tried to change the subject, "Well there has to be something you're embarrassed of." I stopped to think for a second. "What's the worst song currently on your phone?"

He looked at me conspiratorially, "I can't tell you here, too many potential witnesses."

"It can't be that bad."

"Oh it is," I looked at him expectantly and he continued, "But, hey, class will be over in two minutes. Let me walk you to your car and I'll tell you there." He smiled at me again, and I was helpless. He could have asked me to go to Alaska with him, and I would have said yes.

"Okay, Cullen," I conceded. "But it has to be really, really embarrassing."

The bell rang then, and I dumped my books into my bag and started for the door. Edward grabbed the day's assignment and popped it onto Mr. Banner's desk before following me.

"So, what is it?" I asked as soon as we left the classroom.

"Parking lot," He reminded me.

"Edward, you're being a little overdramatic here,"

"I'm not telling you until we're there," he insisted.

"Okay, then walk faster." He chuckled at that, a low sound that I realised I quite enjoyed.

"I'm going to guess until we get there," I continued. He nodded in acceptance.

"Is it from Cats?"

"No."

"Is it by Nickelback?"

"Frankly, I'm insulted." He stopped."But, we are at your car, and I did promise, so…" He leaned in close and whispered in my ear. Goddamnit this was not fair!

"I have every Taylor Swift album. Downloaded and on CD."

My eyes went wide, "That was totally worth the walk."

He laughed again before saying, "My family's waiting for me, but it was nice meeting you officially, Isabella." I liked the way he said my name.

Right then, I decided to be bold, something I never would have done in Phoenix, "Oh, before you go, would you put your number in my phone? In case I have any pressing questions about biology, or country-pop crossover artists this weekend?"

He nodded, and I handed him my brick of an iPhone.

After entering his number he handed my phone back to me, and shot me one last dazzling smile before he turned away.

Goddamn, I was in trouble.


	4. Chapter 3

I climbed into my car as quickly as humanly possible, refusing to let Edward catch a glimpse of the seriously huge grin I was sporting. What had I just done? I had never been this bold before, even before last fall. My interactions with boys were limited to a few casual make outs in the dressing room at drama practice. And Edward certainly wasn't anything like them. He was wickedly smart, first of all. And funny. And beautiful.

I could still feel his cool breath against my neck, his lips nearly against my ear. How would it feel to have his lips on my neck? Against my own lips? And exactly had I gotten so infatuated with someone so quickly? I had been in Forks a total of three days, and already, I had a full-blown crush on a guy. This town was really fucking weird, but if it meant that a boy who was exactly my type would call me gorgeous, I'm not sure that I minded too much.

As soon as I got home I realised I had something urgent to do. Jess picked up the phone after one and a half rings, "Hey Bella, " she called in a sing song, "I saw you in the parking lot with Edward!" I rushed out with the news, not quite sure it was real, "He walked me to my car and then he gave me his number?"

The squeal on the other side of the line was all the validation I needed.

"Jess, what do I do?"

"Um, whatever you have been doing seems to be working pretty well," She paused. "Are you gonna text him?"

I hadn't planned that far ahead."That's what I'm wondering. I think I want to."

"Okay, well absolutely do not text him tonight. Wait until tomorrow- with boys you need to build up the excitement. Make him wonder."

"But what do I say?"

"Oh, my mom's home, I have to go! But come over on Sunday. Ang and I were planning to study anyway, and you can tell me absolutely everything."

"I will! Just text me your address."

"Okay, see you!"

I had plans! With friends! I wasn't a social outcast in Phoenix, but I rarely hung out with people outside of after school activities. And after my stay in the hospital, even the people I had been in drama club with for two years acted as if I didn't exist. I didn't get so much as a Facebook message asking how I was. I tried not to dwell on it, rationalizing to myself that they must have gotten so caught up in midterms that they forgot. It still stung, though.

To take my mind off of it, I walked up to my room and grabbed my weathered copy of Anna and the French Kiss. Curling up with a book usually helped. I tried to read for a while, but after I had read the same sentence four times, I gave up.

Instead, I turned my attention to the Edward problem. What should I text him? Do I keep it casual? I typed out _Hey, it's Bella from bio!_ but deleted it almost immediately. That wasn't really a conversation starter. The next three I typed out were worse. How was I so bad at this?

Before I could further question my ineptitude with the opposite sex, I heard the door unlock. Charlie.

He arrived with a pizza. We had eaten a lot of take out in the past few days ,and I was starting to sense that maybe he wasn't much of a cook.

We chatted comfortably throughout dinner. He told me about some office gossip and I shared the details of my day (sparing the Edward portion, of course. I would cross that bridge when there actually was a bridge to cross) and my plans for Sunday with Jess.

"I'm really glad you're making friends here. Your mom was worried." Ow.

He kept going, "And you're doing alright Bella? Taking your meds and everything?" I hated this line of questioning, and I must have let it show.

His hand reached out in a gesture that was meant to be comforting, and almost landed on mine. I pulled away in time, but only barely.

I forced out a smile. "Yeah, I'm good," I said, pushing back from the table. "I'm gonna go upstairs- lots of homework to finish." I threw away my paper plate and took the stairs up at record speed, so Charlie didn't have time to protest.

I couldn't fight the tears as they started coming, but I didn't want my dad to see. I figured the shower was the best place to have a breakdown unnoticed. I stripped and turned on the water, not wanting to break into full-on sobs when Charlie might be able to hear me.

Damnit. I had almost managed to forget it. That's why I came to Forks in the first place. I needed to escape the weight of what I had done to myself. He had almost touched me- I had almost seen my death, through my father's eyes. How could I have let myself forget? I was always only moments away from a vision, always moments away from destroying a relationship.

And he had talked to me about making friends, about my pills. I couldn't stand the way my mom was- always walking on eggshells around me, counting out my medication to be sure I was taking the pills they gave me. I didn't think Charlie would act that way too.

My visions weren't the only reason I moved to Forks. When I got to the hospital, they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I had never had a name for my highs or lows before. It was almost worse in a way, knowing what was wrong. I had an illness now. I would always have a disorder. I would have to take medication for the rest of my life to be a functioning human being, even if the rest of my life wasn't going to be very long.

The doctors were very gentle when they explained it to me. I had woken up with an aching in my throat and a heavily bandaged wrist. They told me what I had done wasn't my fault. It was the depression. And if I listened to them and took the medicine like a good girl, I wouldn't do it again. I hated it. I hated feeling like this. Like I wasn't in control. I hated hurting people, especially my mom and Charlie. Wouldn't making friends here make it worse? If I tried again, I wouldn't just be hurting my parents. It would be Jessica and Angela too. And Edward. What was I doing to him?

It wasn't right. How could I make friends that I knew I would leave? How could I expect to get close to people, knowing that a second of skin to skin contact would destroy everything?

And Edward. How could I have tricked myself into believing that there was something there? He didn't want me. And even if he did, would I do this to him? Could I let him get close to me, just to let him down? He didn't want a girlfriend who he couldn't touch. He couldn't even hold my hand. And even if, by some miracle, he was okay having a completely touch-free relationship, I would be dead in a few years anyway. Even my best case scenario with Edward ends in a broken heart. Despite my other failings, I didn't think I was capable of being that cruel to him.

I couldn't control the sobs anymore. I reached my arms around myself, hoping that if I could curl up into a small enough ball I could sink down the drain and disappear.

Eventually, I managed to scrape myself off of the smooth tile floor. I pulled a towel around myself and tip-toed to my room. I didn't want to bother Charlie more than I already had.

I pulled on panties and an old t-shirt and hid under the covers. I was so exhausted from the crying that I was asleep in minutes.

 _I was having a hard time taking it slow._

 _She was just so easy to talk to, so easy to love. And she hadn't done me any favors today, showing up to school in tight black jeans and a low-cut red top with a cardigan draped over it. And with the worksheet in biology, it felt like an invitation._

 _Talking to her just made it harder. I couldn't help myself from being a little forward. Calling her gorgeous, no matter how true it was, might have been a little much for our second conversation._

 _Luckily for me, she didn't seem phased by it._

 _And when she let me walk her to her car, I could have sang from excitement. And whispering in her ear, getting that close to her neck, brought up a different kind of excitement with me._

 _I wondered if she would ever let me touch her. I wanted to worship her body, run my hands along all the gentle curves, trace patterns on her bare skin, press my cool lips to her warm ones._

 _That's what I was thinking the whole way home, too lost in my head to pay attention to any of my siblings._

 _When we reached the house, Alice pulled me aside._

" _I saw something about her," Alice said, and then she brought up the memory._

 _I saw the vision of Bella's future, just as it had appeared in Alice's mind. She was on the phone with someone- sounding excited. And then she was curled in bed, with her phone in her hands. I watched her draft out three or four texts, and then delete every one. Another image came into focus then. She was in the shower, curled up into the corner with her arms wrapped around herself. Isabella was crying, her tears mixing in with the water hitting her face. Her small cries were muffled by the running water._

" _Alice, what happened?" I couldn't keep the panic out of my voice._

" _I.. I don't know. I saw her on the phone, and then…" I saw the image again in Alice's mind._

" _Please, stop thinking about it. I - I don't know what to do."_

" _I know you don't want to hear this Edward, but I don't think there's much you_ can _do,"_

 _Alice was right, of course. I couldn't go stake out her bathroom and hold her as she cried. But God, how I wished I could._

 _I want to run over to her house and take her in my arms and fix whatever it is that was wrong. But I couldn't. Alice saw what I was planning to do the moment it popped into my head. Even if I couldn't be with her, I could be close. I could keep watch by her house, to make sure she was safe. It wasn't as good as being able to comfort her, but it was something._

" _I think that'll be fine, Edward." She knew how strong the instinct to protect your mate could be._

" _I just need to do something for her," I explained._

" _I understand. But whatever you do, don't let her know you're there. No matter how upset she is. I only see it ending badly, for the both of you."_

 _I nodded at her, deciding I would leave as soon as the sun went down._

 _A few hours later, I emerged from my room. I had spent the time trying to read for a while, and then trying to listen to music. I couldn't keep my mind off of her, no matter how hard I tried._

 _I was walking down the hall towards the door when I heard Rosalie behind me._

" _Edward." She greeted._

" _Rose."_

 _She saw that I was wearing new clothes, and had my school bag with me. Suddenly, her calm demeanor shifted, "What the fuck are you doing?" She let all the anger in her mind loose then, and I could feel every bit of it. And I knew why._

" _I haven't done anything." I insisted._

" _But will you? Are you going to turn her, Edward? Force her into this life?" She brought up images in her head of her fantasies- growing old with Emmett by her side, both of them with grey hair and wrinkles, surrounded by sons, daughters and grandchildren. Something she could never have._

" _I would never force her into this!" How could she think I would damn the one I loved?_

" _So you'll be fine then? In a couple decades when she's gone?" Rose challenged._

" _When the time comes for her to go, I'll let it happen. And then I'll follow." I had thought of this, pretty much immediately after I came to terms with being mated to Isabella. I would not turn her, but if she wasn't in my life, there was no life for me._

 _I saw her mind evaluate the scenario. She didn't want me to die, but she saw it as the only way of keeping Isabella human. Rose was the most rational of all of us, excluding maybe Carlisle. She conceded, reluctantly. "Okay."_

" _Is that all?" I was anxious to get to Isabella._

" _No." Rose's most recent graduate school endeavor was a Phd in psychology, and she was recalling images of psych patients, people with who were too thin and had heavy bags under their eyes. Like Isabella in Alice's vision. "You need to be careful with her, Edward." Her head was full of lists of symptoms, diagnoses. "I don't know what she's gone through to end up in Forks, but I don't think it was particularly pleasant."_

" _I couldn't hurt her anymore than you could hurt Emmett."_

" _I'm going to make sure of that." She said, before strutting away. I could hear the determination in her voice, and I knew she meant it. I didn't particularly care for Rosalie's methods, but I was grateful that she genuinely cared for my mate's soul._

 _I stepped outside, feeling the warmth of the setting sun on my cold skin. The forest would be the quickest way to get to her house without being noticed, so I started in that direction. It would have been a twenty minute drive, but I arrived in two._

 _I found a tree in her backyard, that allowed me access to both her window, and most of the lower floor of her house. That's where she was right now, eating dinner with her father. I didn't want to intrude on their privacy, but I needed to know if this is what made her upset._

 _I didn't have to wonder long. Charlie told her that her mother was worried, and wanted to know if she had taken her pills. What kind of pills, I wondered. I could see that he hadn't meant any harm by it- his thoughts were only of concern. He reached out to comfort her, but she pulled away._

 _Isabella got up suddenly, throwing her half-finished piece of pizza away. She mumbled an excuse about having homework, and then practically ran up the stairs and into the bathroom._

 _She breathed heavily for a moment, but didn't let herself cry until the water was running. A human wouldn't have been able to hear her, but with my enhanced senses, I caught everything, even the heavy beat of her heart. My heart broke a thousand times, hearing her small cries. I wanted nothing else but to be able to go to her. But I couldn't._

 _What had been able to make her this upset? What had the medicine reminded her of? Or had it been something else?_

 _She stayed in the shower for the better part of an hour. I finally heard her get off the floor and start drying off. She walked to her bedroom, and I saw her through her open window. Her face was red, and her eyes were puffy and bloodshot. She pulled off her towel quickly, and I tried my best to avert my eyes. Rose was right, though. Isabella was too thin. Her ribcage poked out, as did her hip bones, and the skin over the them looked paper thin._

 _I continued watching her after she got dressed. She got into bed and pulled the covers over herself. I listened to her breathing slowly start to even out over the course of a few minutes. She was asleep._

 _A little while later, her door creaked open. It was Charlie. He walked up to her bed, checking that she was still there, and making sure she was still breathing. Why would he have to do that? What had happened to her?_

 _His thoughts held no answers for me. After a moment of watching her, he left the room, closing the door behind himself._

 _I stayed the rest of the night, watching over her, listening to make sure her breathing was even. I couldn't force myself to leave until the dawn started breaking._

 _I was horrified by what I had seen, but I was glad I had been there. Alice didn't see anything happening the next night, so I stayed home. I didn't want to watch her, take away her privacy unless it was necessary to her safety._

 _I foolishly hoped she would reach out to me, let me help her. But she didn't._

 _I waited for a text all weekend, but it never came._


	5. Chapter 4

It was as if my first few days in Forks had been a dream- I was making friends, developing a serious crush, and happier than I'd been in a long time. I almost didn't remember why I had moved there in the first place. For some reason I thought that I could start fresh here, have a new life. I was so deluded that a simple question from Charlie resulted in a minor emotional breakdown, and his attempt to comfort me afterwards had made it so much worse.

I thought I had gotten away from all of the bad, but it followed me. It would always follow me, because _I_ was what was wrong.

After the incident Friday night I folded into myself, spending the whole weekend in my room, thinking about the life I could have had here. Most of those daydreams involved Edward in some capacity, but I had to remind myself that nothing good could come of a relationship. I would only break his heart.

One small blessing was that Charlie worked most of the weekend. I know I had scared him on Friday night, and I wanted to make it better. I just didn't know how to do that yet.

I called Jess on Sunday and faked sick, telling her I had contracted a stomach bug and couldn't come over. She asked me about Edward, and I blamed my lack of communication on my fake illness, too.

I felt a little better on Monday morning, even though I didn't look it. The bags under my eyes had only gotten worse and I looked utterly exhausted. But school was going okay, so far. I had learned how to mask my feelings pretty well, and if anyone noticed that my laugh sounded hollow, they were polite enough not to say anything. That made the classes leading up to the lunch period easy. I knew I was in for an interrogation over lunch though. I thought of faking sick again- not only would it get me out of lunch, I could also avoid Edward in biology. Two birds, one stone.

But I wasn't a good liar, so I wound up having a conversation that I desperately wanted to avoid.

"So what are you going to do about the Edward situation?" Jessica asked, as soon as I sat down with my water bottle and granola bar.

"Jess, it's hardly a situation." Because I wouldn't let it become one.

She sighed, clearly irritated with me, "I know I told you to play hard to get, but you might want to text him sometime this decade."

"I don't know if-" I tried to protest, but she cut me off.

"Bella, you are literally living out every girl at this school's wet dream. Please don't fuck this up," she urged, "I'm living vicariously through you so hard."

Despite Jess's insistence, I couldn't bring myself to speak to him. I didn't know what it was, but I could tell that if I let him in we would develop into something. A serious relationship.

And I couldn't do that to him. It felt so right, talking to him, but it would be selfish of me to let it continue, if it would only lead to a broken heart. But that didn't stop me from wanting to.

I didn't anticipate how hard staying away from Edward would be.

Strangely, in biology he looked as if he'd had a rough weekend as well. His hair was more messy than I had seen it before, and his shirt had a few wrinkles. But his eyes lit up when I sat down. Damnit. He wasn't going to make this easy.

"Hey Bella." Even his voice was perfect.

"Hi." I kept my tone as neutral as I could.

"Did you have a good weekend?" He asked.

"It was fine." I wish it didn't have to be like this. But we had such easy chemistry, it was going to take a true freeze to kill this this we started.

"I-" He started, but was cut off when Mr. Banner called the class to attention. He announced we would be watching a movie today. Mr. Banner looked like he might have had a rough weekend too.

He turned off the lights, and I pulled my notepad close to me. It offered physical protection, but also let me pretend I was taking in depth notes.

"Bella?" Edward whispered after a few minutes.

"Yes?"

"Have I done something to upset you?" He sounded so sincere, my heart broke. Still, I answered coolly.

"No."

He didn't seem to believe me. "I'm very sorry if I have, I never meant to-"

"Edward, it's fine." I said, this time a little more forcefully.

"Miss Swan?" Mr. Banner's voice rang out. "Anything you and Mr. Cullen would like to share with the rest of the class?"

"No, sir." Edward answered, before I had a chance to. Angry and embarrassed tears welled up in my eyes. I knew only bad things could come from this.

-He left me alone for a few days after that. I would get a "Hello Isabella.", or a soft "Hey," when I got to the class we shared, and I would nod. That was the extent of our communication, and while it was for the best, it fucking sucked. Here was the most beautiful person I had ever seen, trying so desperately to talk to me, and I had to ignore it.

I would wait on the edge of my seat each day for the bell to ring, eager to get away from this man I wanted so badly. Every day was another test of my self control, and he didn't make it any damn easier, looking at me the way he did, a mixture of longing and sadness.

If it were a perfect world, I would let myself fall in love. I would talk to Edward, figure out why I had the strange sensation that I felt when we first met, like everything was finally falling into place.

But it wasn't a perfect world. And if I let myself fall in love, I would destroy not one life, but two.

 _I was anxious to see her Monday. The two days of separation had been almost unbearable, further exaggerated by my worry about her well-being. The urge to be with one's mate is the strongest I have ever felt, even stronger than the call of blood. I needed to see her, needed to speak to her, to find out what could have caused the raw pain I saw on her face. Her pain was my pain now._

 _I didn't have a class with Isabella until lunch, but I saw her through the minds of others._

 _She looked better than she had on Friday night, but not by much. The bags under her eyes were tinged a deep purple, and it looked like she hadn't been to bed for days._

 _She was doing her best to fake it though. She was joking with her new friends, talking like nothing was wrong._

 _I tried my best not to listen to her and Jess's conversation, trying to give Bella her privacy. But I heard a few key points. Apparently, Jessica had told Isabella not to text me right away, but to wait until Saturday. Humans didn't like to be too forward, look too desperate. As if she could appear desperate to me. I allowed myself to believe Jessica's advice was the reason Isabella hadn't texted me this weekend. Jess went on to warn Isabella about "fucking it up" with me. As if she could. I was so desperate to be hers, nothing could scare me off._

 _I was rushing to get to biology that day, praying that I would get the chance to speak to her. I could tell from Mr. Banner's mind that today would be light on teaching- he was one of the youngest teachers here, and as such he had a tendency to show up hungover a few times a week. Today we would be watching a video._

 _She didn't greet me when she sat down. I offered a gentle, "Hey Bella," and she said "Hi" back. I meant to ask her how she was feeling, but instead what came out was, "Did you have a good weekend?", even though I already knew the answer to that question._

" _It was fine." She lied, turning her eyes away from me and back to the video._

 _Even though it seemed her mind was elsewhere, her arm was next to mine on the table. It would take the smallest movement for me to touch her, but I wouldn't without invitation. Still, I could feel the gentle hum of electricity emanating from her skin. I knew that when I touched her for the first time, it would be even stronger. It would be easy to "accidentally" brush against her- feel the softness and warmth of her exposed forearm. But I wouldn't risk upsetting her just for my selfish impulse._

 _After a few minutes, I couldn't help but try to speak to her._

" _Bella?" I asked._

" _Yes?" She whispered, no emotion in her voice._

" _Have I done something to upset you?"_

" _No." Was her flat answer. But clearly, something had happened._

" _I'm very sorry if I have, I never meant to-"_

 _She raised her voice. "Edward, it's fine."_

" _Miss Swan?" Mr. Banner's voice rang out. "Anything you and Mr. Cullen would like to share with the rest of the class?"_

" _No, sir." I answered, cursing myself for attracting attention that she clearly didn't want. She turned away from me, fixing her watering eyes on the television screen._

 _What had happened to the flirty, funny girl from last week? My mind fixated on what Charlie had said to her that seemed to cause all of this. "Have you been taking your meds?" What medicine was she taking (or possibly, not taking?) Is that what was making her this quiet, closed off creature? I had to do something, but I didn't know what I could possibly try. I had never felt helpless before I met Isabella._

 _The next few days went on like this. I would try to start a conversation with her, and while she was never rude, she made it very clear that she was not interested in talking to me._

 _After consulting with Alice, I decided to wait it out, see if she came around. But a few more days passed, and on Thursday, I couldn't resist speaking to her any longer._

 _She hadn't acknowledged me at the start of class, which was becoming a custom. She sat silently for the forty-five minute lecture. As soon as the bell rang, she was out of her seat, and on her way to the parking lot. I caught up to her in the hall._

" _Isabella?"_

" _Yeah?" She looked at me and continued walking._

" _Are you alright?"_

 _The question seemed to catch her off guard, but she kept walking. I needed an answer, so I followed._

" _Did I do something to upset you?" I pressed._

 _She seemed almost shocked at the question, "No, why would-"_

" _You won't talk to me." I reminded her._

 _She sighed, acknowledging that. "It's better that way." By this time, we had reached her truck. Her back was to her driver's side door, and her hand was fishing for the keys in her bag. Another way to avoid looking at me._

" _Why?"_

" _Edward, there are things that you don't know about me. I am not a good person to have around." Where was this coming from? If anyone was not a good person to be around, it was me. I hardly thought any of Isabella's alleged sins could compare to mine._

" _I disagree," I tried to argue with her, but she wouldn't have it._

" _You don't even know me." She insisted._

" _But I want to."_

 _She looked resigned, "It's better if you don't."_

 _I challenged her, "For whom, Isabella? You, or me?"_

" _You."_

 _I almost laughed at the absurdity- how could my life possibly be better without her in it?_

" _Let me watch out for myself," I assured her, "Just talk to me again."_

 _She began to play with her car keys,"I have to get home." She said, eyes fixed on the ground._

" _Isabella". I wanted her to look at me._

 _She met my eyes then, and I could see that she was struggling. I thought maybe, this might have worked, she might let me in, just an inch._

 _She didn't answer though, just looked away._

" _What are you afraid of?" My voice sounded desperate, even to my own ears._

" _I…" she paused,"Edward, I can't." With that, she climbed into her truck and shut the door._


End file.
